Love: What Really Matters

Let Your Partner Be There for You

by Mark D. White, Ph.D.

We generally should not lie to our partners, but most people would agree that some lies are worse than others. Self-serving lies told to cover up (掩盖) an affair, for example, compound a betrayal with deception (欺骗), prioritizing the cheater’s (骗子，背叛者，这里指第三者) interests over the partner’s and denying the latter the respect he or she deserves.

So-called (所谓的) benevolent (仁慈的；慈善的) lies are a different matter (不是一回事，另当别论). But there is a class of benevolent lies that, however well-intentioned (出于好意的), can be corrosive (腐蚀的) to a relationship: lies told to withhold (保留，隐瞒) or disguise (掩饰，伪装) what partners truly need.

Suppose Harold and Sally have been married for 10 years, and fairly happily, but recently each has been dealing with different personal issues. Sally suffered medical problems that caused changes in her body she fears have made her less attractive to her husband. Harold has been arguing with his brother about their parents’ long-term care, which has dredged up (追忆，回忆) some emotional issues from his past and eroded (侵蚀，削弱) his self-confidence.

Harold’s problems have caused him to withdraw from Sally physically exactly when she needs his attention more than ever, and her feelings about her body have made it harder for her to reach out to Harold just when he needs someone to talk to about his family. Each knows basically what’s going on with the other, but they are unwilling to tell the other what they need. Instead, motivated by a sincere reluctance to burden their partner, they say, “I’m fine, don’t worry about me.”

When we are suffering, we realize how much we need a partner to be there for us. This essential purpose of relationships is defeated, though, if we withhold our needs from them. We may think we’re being kind, but our partner wants to help us, and rejecting that compassion (同情，怜悯) can be hurtful and damaging. Although it may feel selfish, opening up about what you need from your partner is a truly benevolent act.

Mark D. White, Ph.D., is the chair of the Department of Philosophy at the College of Staten Island/CUNY.

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