Love: What Really Matters

Love: What Really Matters

A loving relationship can be an oasis (绿洲) in uncertain times. Nurturing it requires attention, honesty, openness, vulnerability, and gratitude. Here’s a guide to important facets (小平面) of intimacy.

The Fundamentals of a Strong Relationship

by Amie M. Gordon, Ph.D.

牢固关系的基础

这部分内容我大概用中文概括一下，原文在开头的链接处

良好的社会关系（特别时情侣或者夫妻关系）对我们来说很重要，还有研究表明其甚至能决定我们的"生死"，这不是开完笑，有荟萃分析指出，良好的社会关系比戒烟或者运动这种人们熟知的能降低死亡风险的因素，对避免死亡风险具有更强的保护作用，也就是说良好的社会关系比戒烟或者运动更能降低死亡风险。但这也不是说其他人的存在对我们多重要，重要的是那些支持鼓励我们的人，而糟糕的人际关系可能比没有的情况更差。

当外部局势有风险时，他们更有可能转向最亲密的关系，以满足他们对安全，接纳和爱的需求。新冠，经济衰退和政治动荡等这些不确定时期也可能呈现出增长的机会，我们会被迫脱离常规轨道，借以重新评估什么事情对我们来说才是重要的。在全球不确定性的情况下，对我们的关系进行更多投资是一个安全、实在的和健康的选择。我们现在比以往任何时候都需要爱。

我们需要他们的帮助，而不是总是独自一人扛起所有的事，我们需要告诉他们自己有多爱他们。

另外，无论何时，我们也需要为他们排忧解难，和他们分享喜悦，我们自己也要享受这种来自别人的爱。

没有人每次都是正确的，我们也需要有彼此的空间，原谅他们或自己犯的小错误，并从中吸取教训，争取在下次做的更好。

为了实现更好的亲密关系，我们应该从每件小事做起，多关注一下他们，多抽出时间和他们呆在一起，记得不要冷落了这些对你重要的人。

To achieve this, we can start with a simple step: paying attention to each other again. Eminent relationship researchers John and Julie Gottman have tracked couples for decades, and one of their key findings is that partners make bids for each other’s attention. These bids can be small, like sharing an anecdote from the day or a gentle touch on the way past each other. Or they can be big, like asking for help solving a work problem or requesting a weekend away together. These bids go into an emotional savings account and add up to define a relationship’s bottom line. Are we reaching out to our partners throughout the day? Are we responding to their bids? Or have we stopped paying attention to each other? Couples who are thriving create and respond to these bids, and these small investments add up and help them overcome harder times. But couples who are struggling tend to ignore them.

A demanding world makes investing in our relationships—taking the time to talk and listen and to create and respond to bids—all the more difficult. Whether we are juggling work and family demands or stuck at home in the midst of a quarantine, stress, lack of sleep, and other outside forces can make it difficult to be the best partner we can be. We’re quicker to start a fight over an empty milk carton in the fridge or to see our partner’s late night at the desk as an insult.

See you tomorrow